Each quarter I post a review of a leadership/motivational book I recommend to colleagues and friends. Some may be old favorites, others are hot off the press. I am always open to suggestions for books to review. If you have a favorite you'd like to share with others, please contact me.

How to Win Friends and Influence People
Dale Carnegie

When Dale Carnegie first put pen to paper for this book, published in 1937, the thought of people reading it on e-readers or smartphones would have blown him away. The fact that his theories and techniques about influence and relationships in business would still be relevant in 2011 would not have surprised him at all.

Did you chuckle when you saw the title of this quarter's A Coach's re(View)? The seven-word title has almost become a cliché and yet "How to Win Friends…" is one of the best selling books of all time. Revised in 1981, it has spawned a multi-million dollar industry, which is still dynamic today—56 years after Carnegie's death.

There is far too much spot-on information in this classic to cite it all here. You simply have to read the book—or listen to it on your iPod as I did.

"How to Win Friends" is divided into four sections:

• Fundamental Techniques of Handling People
• Six Ways to Make People Like You
• How To Win People to Your Way of Thinking
• How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment.

Yes, the world has become faster, more complex and contentious place, but as long as human beings roam the earth his techniques have application in: leading, networking, interviewing, courting, parenting and yes, even "friending".

This review will give you a high level overview of what Carnegie espoused. Carnegie himself says the book needn't be read in a linear fashion. Wherever you start, the author advises the reader to read each chapter twice, once to get the information and a second time to reflect on how the concepts can be implemented in your own life and dealings with people.

A warning…if you need charts, graphs and statistics to believe something, this book is not for you. Points and principles are illustrated through anecdotes. Yes, some are dated, but don't let that be an excuse to stop reading. The examples, poetry and simply wonderful language rarely heard in today's "dumbed down" world of sound bites makes this book a rich, wonderful read all by itself, never mind the insightful message it delivers.

Dealing with people, said Carnegie, is the biggest problem people have, especially in business. The few principles I will share in this review should help you see how amazingly current his thoughts of 75 years ago are today. Technology may change, but it appears we humans are still attracted and repelled by the same influences in relationships.

From Fundamental Techniques of Handling People

Principle #1: Do not criticize, condemn or complain.
Rephrase this a bit and we have Covey's "Seek first to understand" habit. Generations separate these men, yet their observations are closely linked. Jumping down someone's throat, seeing only what could be done better, or insisting on telling your version of events before listening to another persons rarely gets the desired performance long-term in business.

Principle #2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
How do you get people to do what you want them to? Help the other person want to do it. Carnegie calls this "giving a man a feeling of importance" (yes, his language is a bit dated). Today we call it positive recognition, engagement, motivation. Says Carnegie, the person who "satisfies the heart hunger will hold the other in the palm of his hand."

Not empty flattery, mind you, but the recognition of a person's strengths and small successes. He quotes Emerson, "Every (person) I meet is my superior in some way. In that I learn of him."

Principle #3: Arouse in other people an eager want.
To illustrate this principle, he tells the story about fishing. Though he liked to eat strawberries and cream, he knew fish preferred worms, and so when he fished he used worms. To get the fish, he uses what they want, not what he would prefer. The same goes, he says, in dealing with people. "Hello" to any of us who sell products or services!

From Six Ways to Make People Like You

Principle #2: Smile
What usually always makes even the grumpiest person smile? Babies and dogs. Why? Carnegie postulates that both dogs and babies make people feel "wanted". Both are usually genuinely happy to see us, whoever we are.

People who smile (not inanely, but appropriately) manage, teach and sell more effectively. Smiling brightens the lives of others and says, "I'm happy to see you." Both these non-verbal messages increase productivity in yourself and others.

Don't feel like it? Do it anyway. Often, says the author, behavior can change feelings. Have we not all heard this behavior/attitude connection in diversity training?

Principle #3: Always Make the Other Person Feel Important.
This is not a new idea. As far back as Confucius and Lao-tse this principle was preached. Buddha also taught it and Jesus put it into words most are familiar with "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Even the most modest of us want approval and recognition. And in today's often rude and angry world, having a reputation of helping others feel important would pop.

From How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Principle #1: The Only Way to Get the Best of an Argument is to Avoid It.
Nine times out of ten, arguing doesn't solve a problem. What it does is help entrench each of the opponents in their own point of view/position. Argument, says former debate teacher Carnegie, is a lose-lose. If you lose the argument, you lose and if you win the argument, you lose. You lose because now you have made the other person, beneath any show of bravado, feel less than. You have dealt a blow to their intellect, judgment, pride and self-respect. Hurt feelings rarely lead to a changed mind.

What he suggests is today often called "verbal judo". Agree with the other person or empathize. Show interest in their point of view. "Tell me about it" or "What convinced you?" The result is that the verbal assault ceases and the other person begins to talk.

This was probably the biggest take away for me. I'm not good with a quick response when confronted or in a conflict. Carnegie gave me a back-pocket response to carry with me for those times when I find myself confronted by someone I disagree with. While I knew telling someone they are wrong inflames the situation and all the logic in the world will not make them take another look at their opinion, I am often stumped on how to respond.

Carnegie suggests something like, "I think otherwise, but I could be wrong. Let's look a this more closely together." Works for me. Saying I might be wrong lowers the defenses of the other person and the conversation can continue. That in itself is, as Carnegie would say, worth the price of admission.

Can Carnegie's principles apply in a 24/7 world where communication is electronic and "good breeding" (his term) is sometimes overwhelmed by expediency? Gurus of emotional intelligence say the ability to build and maintain relationships is critical to business success and failure to do so has derailed many an executive. How to Win Friends and Influence People remind us that such skills have a long history of success.

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