Each quarter I post a review of a leadership/motivational book I recommend to colleagues and friends. Some may be old favorites, others are hot off the press. I am always open to suggestions for books to review. If you have a favorite you'd like to share with others, please contact me.

Asking for a raise, confronting a co-worker, breaking up with a partner, talking to our children about smoking, drugs, sex, a bad crowd. These are just some of the conversations that make our hands go cold and our mouths go dry. How many of us have ruminated about what we were going to say and practiced how we were going to say it? Even with preparation, the conversation may not have gone as we intended.

In Difficult Conversations, authors Stone, Patton and Heen dissect and explore hard conversations from a unique perspective.

“Difficult Conversations operate at the core of our being--where the people and the principles we care about most intersect with our self-image and our self-esteem”

Divided into three parts, spanning 248 pages, readers are taken through an exploration of:

• what makes these conversations difficult,
• why we avoid them
• the traps we fall into which make us handle them badly
• how we can deal more effectively with the one aspect of difficult conversations over which we have control:  OURSELVES

PART I:  THE PROBLEM

 “Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade. Thrown hard or soft, or not at all, it’s still going to do damage.”

That is the dilemma. If we avoid the conversation, our feelings may fester, and we don’t allow the other person a chance to improve things. Yet, if we confront, the problem may become worse.

The authors propose that all difficult conversations are made difficult by the same things.

• what I thought and felt, but didn’t say
• what you thought and felt but didn’t say
• what each of us actually said

The gap between what we think and feel and what we actually say is part of what makes the conversation difficult. If we acknowledge(at least to ourselves) all that is going on in our heads, we can begin to craft better approaches.

Most of the time the initial reason for having this conversation is to deliver a message (i.e. prove our point, give someone a piece of our mind, or get the other person to do something differently).

To be most effective in a difficult conversation, we must move from this message delivery mind-set to a learning mind-set.

PART II: SHIFT TO A LEARNING MIND-SET

Tough conversations, the authors contend, really involve three conversations going on in our heads simultaneously. They call them:

The What Happened Conversation: Deals with truth (who's right), intentions, blame

The Feelings Conversation: Are my feelings valid? Should I express them? Deny them? What is the other person feeling and what do I do about it?

The Identity Conversation: What does being in this conversation say me? Am I good/bad, competent/incompetent, worthy/unworthy? It's all about ME!!

Becoming aware of these internal conversations and understanding that the only thing we can change and control is our response to each of these challenges can make us more effective.

The bulk of the book explores what happens as these internal conversations unfold, the mistakes we commonly make in each of them, and what we can do instead. To give our understanding more substance, the authors provide numerous examples from all aspects of life. A scenario dealing with a conflict between a client and a vendor which begins in Chapter 1 provides a running example of both the pitfalls and the techniques as they are introduced to the reader.

Some Highlights of the "What Happened Conversation:"

• Most believe difficult conversations arise from a disagreement about what has happened or what should happen (who said what, who's to blame, who's right...).
• Difficult conversations are really about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values. They're not about what's true, but what is important. For example:
  • not what the contract says, but what the contract means.
  • not which child-rearing book is best, but which is best for US
• To be more effective, we must move away from the "who's right" argument (When was the last time you felt you were wrong in a difficult conversation??)
• We must explore the other person's story. Difficult conversations arise when we think we are talking about the same thing, yet important parts of our stories differ. We dismiss the other person's conclusions because we don't see their story.
• We often act under the assumption that we must accept or reject the other's story, and if we accept it, we must abandon our own.
• IMPORTANT CONCEPT: "The And Stance"
• Allows you to recognize how each sees something AND that how you feel still matters. For example: "I understand that you gave the project your best AND it was not what we were looking for."
• We assume the intentions of the other based on behavior and the impact of that behavior on us. Yet, we can never know another's intentions unless they tell us. Solution: Share your assumption as an assumption and the impact of their behavior on you. (For example: I assume you meant to embarrass me with your remark about laying off the ice cream. I was conscious of my weight for the rest of the night.)
• Don't think, once you have clarified your intentions, that the other person is no longer justified in their feelings. ("I said what I said because you asked me to keep you on your diet. That's what I was trying to do.)
• Many spend much time on who's to blame. Blaming keeps us from problem solving and seeing how each of us has contributed to the situation.
• By becoming more aware of how you contributed to the situation, you find a power base from which to change. By identifying what you are doing to perpetuate the situation, you learn where you have influence over the problem.

Highlights from the "The Feeling Conversation"

• We avoid feelings. They are messy, cloud judgment, and make us vulnerable.
• Difficult conversations are about feelings. Feelings are at the heart of what is going on. They are the business at hand and ignoring them is nearly impossible.
• Look beneath your strongest feeling. What else is there?

Highlights of "The Identity Conversation"

• The Identity conversation is about what I am saying to myself about me. Who do I believe I am. How do I see myself?
• The answers are not all-or-nothing. All or nothing thinking leaves us open to being ultra sensitive to feedback.
• Ask yourself: How does this conversation threaten my identity?

With awareness of three conversations, we discover we have less of a message to send and more questions to ask or information to share.

Where to start is the hardest part of this new approach. The authors show us how we often start from our own story--which is exactly where the other person believes the problem lies! Starting from our own story creates anger and defensiveness in the other.

The best place to start is with what an objective observer (think of a video camera) might see if witnessing what happened. This is called THE THIRD STORY. The third story is made up of observable facts both parties agree on. For example: "There were many ice cream treats at the party. You ate four of them. We differ on what actions I should have taken."

Difficult Conversations looks at specific conversations examples, such as delivering bad news, making hard requests, revisiting conversations gone wrong. The authors give you a "roadmap" for going forward: from the third story to the other person's story to sharing your own and how to talk about it.

In conclusion...

While enmeshed in a difficult conversation, we often trade conclusions ("your performance has to improve") instead of seeking to understand the information and interpretations that lead us to see the world differently.

To be more effective we must change the way we think and prepare for a difficult conversation by:

• inviting the other person into the conversation to understand their "right"
• learning what their feelings and intentions were
• moving forward to figure things out together.

The book ends with this advise to the reader. "Accept three things about yourself, when approaching a difficult conversation: you will make mistakes, your intentions are mixed, and you contributed to the problem."

This insightful and practical book has been on my "keeper shelf" since I first read it. I highly recommend Difficult Conversations. Here are a few reasons why:

• it doesn't read like a textbook
• it gets right to work, moving from the "why" into strategies for effectiveness
• many examples throughout the book bring the concepts home
• the sample of difficult conversation with a "coach" at the end helps the reader see how even understanding what can go wrong may not prevent it from happening--but you can step back, correct and move forward
• Most importantly--its strategies work.

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