Each quarter I post a review of a leadership/motivational book I recommend to colleagues and friends. Some may be old favorites, others are hot off the press. I am always open to suggestions for books to review. If you have a favorite you'd like to share with others, please contact me.

Play Like A Man, Win Like A Woman:
What Men Know About Success That Women Need to Learn
By Gail Evans
2000, Broadway Books

The back cover of this book calls it provocative. I agree. Play Like A Man/ Win Like A Woman comes at commonly held beliefs about the differences between men and women, definitions of success, and how to succeed in the business world from a number of directions.

Play Like A Man/ Win Like A Woman is a book about learning to make noise and learning to make choices. I must recommend this book to people (men and women) at least a couple times a month. It has a permanent place on my “keeper” shelf. It is worth more than one read

Author Gail Evans’ goal is to raise awareness--in both men and women--about our different approaches to the business of business. Neither approach is right, neither is wrong. They are different.

When it comes to the business playing field, Evans says, women are at a disadvantage.

Over a century ago, when “modern” business culture developed, few women were around to help write the rules. Men wrote the rules because they were there alone—and for all intents and purposes, they still are. Despite great strides, in 2000, only 3.3% of the Fortune 500 top earners were women. 496 of the 500 Fortune companies had male CEOs.

From early childhood boys and girls play with a different set of rules.
Because men created the rules in the game of business (just as women created the rules in raising children), women will prosper only when we become familiar with those rules. (Notice I didn’t say follow the rules)

ASK: What is the object of a game?
MEN: Object of the game is to win
WOMAN: Object of the game is to feel great about playing

ASK: What is winning?
Depends on who you are and how you define success. For some men, it is synonymous with material success. But the ultimate winner in the business world is the person who loves her work. Loving your work is self-empowering. There are many miserable people with great salaries and great titles. NO ONE who loves her job is miserable.

1.) You Are Who You Say You Are

• Because women tend to have more connections and relationships, a woman’s gameboard is more complicated than a man’s. Women must structure their world around choices and stop playing the victim ( a passive, put upon person) Take charge. PICK YOUR GOAL. Say it out loud. PICTURE YOURSELF DOING IT.
• The first step to success is convincing yourself that you are successful.

2.) One Prize Doesn’t Fit All

• Male oriented rewards are money, power, prestige. These are observable. Women want to feel fulfilled. Women are only just learning that our jobs are about us, not our husbands or our kids. This knowledge gives more freedom.
• Measure success against your own criteria. Remember though--there are consequences to playing by your own rules. When we chose to fulfill ourselves by what we do rather than what we make, we are not playing the game as men do and there will be consequences in terms of career path.

3.) Work Isn’t a Sorority (Personal feelings don’t matter)

• Friendship doesn’t come into play in boy’s games. It’s about winning.
• Women have a stronger urge to form and maintain relationships at work. Having a relationship orientation, we tend to interpret info in personal terms. This can be a drawback in the workplace. Co-workers are NOT friends and family. Wanting to be liked influences some of our decisions.
• People can respect you without liking you.
• Women’s relationship skills may be our secret to success in today’s more service oriented economy. Keep in mind--for men, relationships don’t come into it. They don’t want to be liked, they want to win. Practice not taking it personally.

4.) You’re Always A Mother, Daughter, Wife or Mistress

• Boys don’t socialize with girls enough to see them as friends. When working with females, they fall back on stereotypes.
• “Wife” is the hardest role. You are more or less equal, but have all the baggage the guy brings to the office about his real wife.
• “Daughters” get lots of breaks, are exposed to places and people others don’t see. Privy to conversations. Downside is that “daughters” never are seen as equals (or bosses). You have to quit to move up--while maintaining your “father’s” support.
• “Mother” has covert power. You don’t fire your mother.
• “Mistress” can be a risk taker, but there is always that sexual tension. Dangerous.

LEARN THE PLAYING FIELD

All games are played on a structured field of action. You don’t play chess on a checkerboard. Know the board you are playing on.

In the game of business, men see the field as a hierarchical structure (a triangle) with clear lines of authority. There is a Captain.

The advantage is that there is a clear line of authority from the top to the bottom. The disadvantage is that the pyramid doesn’t allow for open/honest communication. Compliance is rewarded, risk taking is avoided, and “yes-people” tend to thrive.

Women see a different game board. Women see a circle. Everyone has the right to contribute. There is no captain in a doll house. Everyone is free to talk. This can confuse people, because they feel their ideas are asked for and then ignored.

Men are not as disturbed as women can be about seeing themselves as pegs on a gameboard. Labels given (titles) tell them how to act on the gameboard. If you are a VP, act like one, talk like one. It is more clear that way. You are on a certain place of the pyramid on the board game. The rules are clear.

Many women feel the values of the company are as important as their position. Again, men compartmentalize: this is my salary, this is my family, this is my job. Each is separate. Women look more at the totality of the package--women want it to “feel right.”

Many women spend a career hoping to get noticed. Women are taught its more polite to be “asked” than to sell ourselves. In a job or interview: get picked for the team. sell yourself. Get off the bench and tell the coach you want to play.

Find a way to exude self-assurance and physical presence. Every move counts: handshake, eye contact, what you wear. Wear the right uniform. Dress for the team--clothing telegraphs to the world not just who you are, but who you want to be.

Have a vision, a basic sense of where you want to be, then take every advantage to get there. Mark of a good player is the ability to improvise. Combine good strategic plays with vision. For example: a tennis player had the goal of playing Centre court at Wimbledon. He made it, but he lost the match. His vision was to play there, he didn’t visualize winning.

KEEP SCORE

• To men, everything counts...the size of everything that can be measured. They start the game right away...they never “just volley for a while.”
• How you dress, where you sit, what your office looks like. It all counts.
• Perks--they either speak of power or they don’t. Ask for them.
• Women have a tendency to say “isn’t that terrible” instead of “hey, where is mine?” They get supported in doing the right thing, whereas guys are always figuring out who is ahead and who is behind.

Games teach men to go after what they want. no matter what they are playing. They learn that you don’t win if you don’t identify your goal and go after it!

While we do not have to do it “a man’s way,” we do have to:

• understand the difference between how he plays the game and how we do.
• recognize that for the time being, his way of playing is the accepted way,
• decide if we want to change the way we play.

The author reveals what she sees as the FOURTEEN RULES OF SUCCESS

Each section includes a scenario and then how a man generally responds and how a woman generally responds.

Fourteen Strategies To Help Women Move Forward

1. MAKE A REQUEST

• Asking is the only way to get what you want. Do not hint.
• “No” has different meanings to men and women. Men interpret it as “not right now,” “maybe,” or “make a better argument.” Women hear “no” as “never ask again”.
• “No” is a setback, not a fatal injury. Say what you want and say it out loud.

2. SPEAK OUT

• Men speak up. They are rewarded for the right answer and told “good try” for wrong answers.
• Talk more, ask questions. If you don’t speak up, no one will know you are there.

3. SPEAK UP

• Women in corporate America speak from a place of non-permission.
• Men often say women are too timid, too evasive in the office. Believe you have a right to speak. Use your getting-kids-under-control voice.
• Watch for phrases that diminish: “I know you’re busy but...” “I’m not an expert but...” Don’t ask if you can ask. Speak in a convincing manner.

4. TOOT YOUR OWN HORN

• Part of getting ahead is getting noticed.
• Boys games teach them to boldly step out of the box, get noticed. Boys boast, brag, exaggerate. It is the same in business. Take credit for your accomplishments. Update your boss on your progress. Network, socialize, use your small talk skills.

5. DON’T EXPECT TO MAKE FRIENDS

• Work is no more about friendships than a competitive sport is. Men are clear on this. Business is business and personal is personal. You can’t make everyone happy. Making friends is not the objective of a business situation --it is a by-product.

6. ACCEPT UNCERTAINTY

• Women believe we get ahead because we’re better at our job than anyone. We have this perfectionist model. Men are brought up to feel more comfortable with a generalized sense of the right answer. Have faith in your general ability to perform. if you don’t know it, you’ll figure it out.

7. TAKE THE RISK

• From an early age males are encouraged to take chances. Females are warned to “be careful.” You can’t get ahead without making risky moves. All boats rock. If you are going to be successful, you’re going to make mistakes.
• There is not a fundamental difference in how men and women face their fears--men are just more used to confronting them.
• Fear is part of success--don’t let it paralyze you. Take small risks to prove you can manage your fear. (for ex: begin at 8:00 and actually leave at 5:00. As long as you still get your work done, no one will think less of you.)

8. BE AN IMPOSTOR

• Girls are long praised for the game of knowledge, “be prepared.” Entering business we believe that advancement comes when we master our subject. No one knows everything. You will get questions you can’t answer. It’s OK. Everyone deals with the impostor syndrome. We are all impostors. None of us knows it all.

9. THINK SMALL

• Boys play games in a linear fashion, moving from point A to point B. Girls prefer a variety of possibilities. These games are more complicated and teach us to be multi-taskers. We bring this into business with us, and so we give ourselves less focus time. We are thinking of all the other things that need to be done.
• Eat the elephant one bit at a time/ reframe. Men take the first thing they have to do, concentrate on it, finish it, then go to the next, concentrate on it, finish it, then to the next. They don’t get distracted by the bigger picture.

10. DON’T ANGUISH

• Wear a game face--look as if you are going to win. It’s OK to worry, just don’t let anyone else see.

11. FOLLOW THE TEAM LEADER

• Boys learn that being a part of the team is doing what the leader tells you and shutting up. You can argue, you can point out mistakes, but once the ball is in play, you perform your assignment to your best.
• Women have little practice following a team leader because our games are more group oriented. Business is a team sport. Your job is not about you, it is about the team.
• Let the team help you. Yes, you may be able to do something faster, but it is not your job on the team. Let the person responsible do it. Your job is to make the team successful.

12. DON’T ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY WITHOUT AUTHORITY

• Women break this rule all the time in business. They often take responsibility for a project without asking for and getting the authority to carry it out.
• Guys know that positions come with specific responsibility. If you come in without it, you are “helping”, an interloper, while the boss is above the fray, “clean.”
• The authority must be given publicly and officially or you don’t really have it. Stifle your impulse to volunteer until you have the authority or you are certain the task is a career opportunity.

13. SIT AT THE TABLE

• Always sit at the table, never along the wall if there “aren’t enough chairs.” Early on, guys learn that they belong at the table (or should get the biggest portion). Make your presence known everywhere. Sit in the first few rows in the auditorium. Co-workers will see you up front and be persuaded to reconsider their image of you. Act as you want to be treated.

14. LAUGH

• Relax, don’t take yourself so seriously. Men learned a long time ago that humor cuts tension and creates camaraderie.
• One of the most intriguing parts of this book was Evans’ list of ten gender-bender words.

TEN GENDERBENDER VOCABULARY WORDS

Women and men interpret some words differently. For example, the word “rules.”

Man: an absolute code, a specific set of instructions. Rules are rules. Men rarely assume that the rules bend.
Women: see rules as guidelines, hints, suggestions. They ask more questions about the rules and exceptions to them.

1. YES
Man: exactly what it means.
Woman: doubt it and may press on with reasons why a yes should be given.
To do: when you get what you want, take it and shut up.

2. NO
Men: what I asked for didn’t materialize. I’ll think about it and try again later.
Women: a defeat. Do not bring it up again.
To do: re-strategize around the objections made

3. HOPE
Men: take action, prepare to go after what they are hoping for.
Women: wait, thinking that because they have said something, it might happen.
To do: take action, follow up

4. GUILT
Men: Look at the outcome of the neglected action.
Women: I had a responsibility and I let it fall through the cracks. Bad person.
To Do: Remember, there is no guilt on the playing field, only focus on the game.

5. SORRY
Man: Someone has made a mistake
Woman: I am empathizing with your misfortune. making a connection.
To do: Say concern, say regret followed by an affirmative statement.

6. AGGRESSIVE
A complex word at the office. When applied to a man, it means he is bold, forceful, wants to win and has the strength and capabilities to achieve his goal. When applied to a woman by a man it means pushy, argumentative, domineering.
For a woman, it means hostile, mean, ruthless for both men and women.

7. FIGHT
Man: a good thing. Skirmish has rules, it’s strong and dignified, not personal. It is part of a game. Enjoy a good fight.
Women: A bad thing, NOT a sport. When it happens, no rules or restraint.
To Do: Remember, they are not seeing it as you are. He may enjoy the process.

8. GAME (aka Fun)
Men: something fun, something to win. Business is a game, a strategy
Women: something bad that happens in relationships.

9. GLASS CEILING
Gives men an excuse for their failure to treat women as equals. Says women aren’t expected to win the game. There are many reasons why women get stopped. One is a desire for a balanced life. We also may not take jobs that lead to the top. Women also lack self confidence to “go for it.” Often they think of the worst that could happen and become cautious and wary. Instead of being filled with potential, they fill themselves with doubt.

10. FUTURE
Men: 6 months to a year. after all, games are time-limited
Women: 10 -50 years. In biological human terms. We tend to make the game go on forever.

FINAL THOUGHTS FROM THE AUTHOR

We don’t get just one turn on the game board: our careers can be sequential as easily as they can be simultaneous.

Look at what can be learned outside the workplace and put it in business terms. (handling a number of kids in the car teaches negotiation, getting the best deals from craftsmen- wage transaction. Hiring someone to clean your house - interviewing and delegation.) Look for the learning in every opportunity whether it is successful of not. ASK: What did I learn, about myself or about work

Read the internal and external signs that are telling you to move on. Plan for these moments. Approach jobs as men approach relationships: look for multiple opportunities. Leaving is often the right thing to do.

Be a woman. Be aware of your unique gifts. you don’t have to “become a man” to succeed. By allowing the natural, nurturing part of yourself to be available, you can build genuine relationships with men. This means they will trust you and your opinions, which will give you greater access to them.

Why You Should Read this Book (Final thoughts from Jerilyn Willin):

You will find pointers to create your own personal directions manual for success. To become a player in business you need to know the prevailing rules men play by--not because you must follow them word for word, but because you need to understand the playing field even if you choose to make up your own game.

In Annie Get Your Gun, there is a song “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better.” Not so in business. Very different consequences. Read the book to learn the particulars.

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